NO FAKE NEWS AT ALL: Texan command structure shaking

HOUSTON — Even as the Texans return from their bye week and gear up for the Las Vegas Raiders, the organization is making more headlines off the field than on it. “Hey, I love Dameon Pierce as much as I love the next man, but I can’t make headlines when Pierce gains three yards a pop on every middle run, even if that’s a significant improvement in the CHUM factor.” An uncredited Chronicle Source informed us…at the same time, the source sent multiple copies of his resume and writing samples hoping Totally Not Fake News would hire him [Editor’s Note: This is still TBD].

Anyway, the big story of the week, aside from Dameon Pierce’s continued fame, is that the Texans parted ways with their executive vice president of football operations last Monday. Perhaps the team has been “quietly firing” him for some time. . Jack Easterby’s precise role/job description this season seemed to evolve from being the franchise’s Rasputin, who is the primary decision-maker in all matters, to justifying his existence as he fell from power. “At one point I think they hired him to fill the vending machines in the break room, but even then the Texans made him associate chief of break room operations and assigned three tackle dummies, Nick Caserio and Lovie Smith, to moved away from the practice facility ‘ reported an unnamed source.

Initially, with the departure of a public presence like Easterby, there were the obligatory statements/press releases. First from Cal McNair:

And from the man’s social media account himself:

However, as most who have watched any TV/news show in the last 30 years can attest, there is more to the story than the press releases. We at Totally Not Fake News received a secret copy of a recording of the discussion when the team and Easterby decided to part ways. We fully vouch for the authenticity of it… that every word here is true because we put it into a story that’s being circulated on the internet, and as Abraham Lincoln once said, “You absolutely can do anything that’s published on the internet trust internet, especially when it comes from Totally Not Fake News.”

[garbled voices, chairs rustling in the Texans’ CEO office]

Janice McNair: “Jack, nice of you to come to this meeting.”

Jack Easterby: Hey Janice, nice to see you again. See, I had some great ideas for improving the drink quality in the staff snack room, but the left mannequin said I need top-level approval to get Dr. Switching Pepper to Diet RC Cola, so I was…”

JM: “Jack, we’re not around to talk about the snack inventory in the staff break rooms. We have other things to discuss.”

JE: “Oh, like the new helmet designs I wanted…”

JM: Jack. Jack. Jack. We all thought it best to do this in person…”

GM Nick Caserio: “Jack, we appreciate everything you’ve done for us, we really…”

JM: Jack, you’ve done some wonderful things in your time here. I know you were a good friend of Cal’s. Right Cal?fff”

CEO Cal McNair: “Yes. You WERE a good friend.”

JE: “What’s going on? What’s all this about? why are you all [(the McNairs, Caserio, Head Coach Lovie Smith, Toro, 6 security guards (3 armed with AR-15s and in full Kevlar body armor, 2 holding a large wire net and 1 with a large cattle prod and a crowbar)] here? This…this isn’t one of those interventions, is it? I swear I’ve given up using cheesy stereotyped jokes in my sermons… I haven’t actually preached a sermon in a long time, I’m trying to quit, I’m trying to do the right thing, I’m going to be a good EVP. ..”

JM: “Jack, we just think it’s time for this organization to go in a different direction. You can understand, right?”

JE: “No… NO! This can not be? You can’t fire me! You will not get rid of me! I was everyone’s best friend in this organization, I was…”

Toro: Not based on what you said 610 boys.”

JE: “You’re just the mascot, what do you want…”

Head Coach Lovie Smith: “Shut up, Jack.”

JM: “You’re fired and you have to leave the building. We throw your stuff out the office windows and you can catch what goes through the fence.”

JE: “Cal. CAL!!! You can’t let them do this to me! You just can’t! Think of all I was and meant to you. The mentoring, the Bible studies, those parties with Dan Snyder…”

CM: “Jack [apparently Cal’s voice fell to a whisper and he was still not facing Easterby]. You… you just have to (audible sobs) go. Just go.”

JE: “NO!!! Do you think you saw me last? The staff, the true believers, they will not allow this injustice. No! Stop! What do you do? You get your hooves from me! STOOOPPPP!!!”

[At this point in the transcript, there is a furious amount of noise and action, as multiple indistinguishable voices were heard. Between the crying of what sounded like JE, the upending of multiple furniture in the office, a couple of “Shut up, Jack” utterances, the sound of a bull hoof kicking someone across the room and the sound of a cattle prod and a man captured in a net, hogtied and dragged out of the office crying…that was about all of the audio files that we could decipher]

With Jack Easterby fired, we were curious to see if Easterby’s words would prove prophetic. Based on his findings:

  • Wear of sunglasses inside and outside the building increased by at least 250%. “By far the best shades were the cute, cute Oakleys worn by Janice McNair around the grounds on Wednesday. It was like she was trolling someone,” our source shared.

NFL: SEPTEMBER 22 Texans at Chargers

Already had a pretty good shadow play earlier this week…
Photo by Jordon Kelly/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Spotify stated that the top music downloads/playlist songs for Texans offices were as follows:

Our undercover reporter also noted that the staff and organization seemed to take this news very positively. While Easterby reportedly said staff were mourning his loss, our reports suggest there might have been some grief, but the wake… well…

Houston waste management officials noted a massive surge in recycled material coming out of Texan offices. Most bins were filled with surplus copies of the following documents:

But as in life, the Texans will advance. At Totally Not Fake News, we are confident that the team will eventually fill this ever-crucial position of Executive Vice President of Football Operations. However, our editorial estimates that the organization will take the risk that people may want to focus on the product locally and will forgive any gap in front office positions for the time being.


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